


Such cruelty found in the arms of hope

by Itohan



Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [12]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence - Battle of Mustafar, Dark, Dark Anakin Skywalker, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Force-Sensitive Reader, Gaslighting, Hurt No Comfort, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight Reader, Jedi Temple (Star Wars), Manipulative Relationship, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Movie: Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Order 66 (Star Wars), Planet Coruscant (Star Wars), Planet Mustafar (Star Wars), Possessive Anakin Skywalker, Pregnancy, Reader-Insert, Sith Anakin Skywalker, Suitless Darth Vader, Tragedy, Unhealthy Relationships, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itohan/pseuds/Itohan
Summary: Hope was a traitorous ally.Hope would bring down the end of the Jedi the very second you realized you were pregnant.Hope sunk it's cruel claws into Anakin when he held you in his arms again after months of desperate loneliness with nothing but the hollow stench of death awaiting him whenever he opened his eyes."A child," you had whispered and brought his hand towards your stomach. In there pulsated life. A Future.Anakin had muffled his cries into your chest."We are going to have a family."You had smiled, unknowing of the doom awaiting you.And within days there would be no more Jedi.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader/Reader, Anakin Skywalker/Reader
Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759843
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Such cruelty found in the arms of hope

**Author's Note:**

> Tap on the end notes for the warnings

You'd never been special. But when Anakin looked at you, you almost believed you could be too. Special like him.

It was agony and you but it was love. He made you feel special. You were raised from birth as a Jedi, to be a beacon of hope, and yet the walls of the temple were a cage holding you inside it's cold grasp. There was no life, you'd thought. And yet he was there, waiting for you over and over again after every mission. He made you dream of hope. Friendship turned into love and love into hope. Hope for a life after the war - a life with him. A life without a cage to call your home.

Hope was a traitorous ally.

Hope would bring down the end of the Jedi the very second you realized you were pregnant.  
Hope sunk it's cruel claws into Anakin when he held you in his arms again after months of desperate loneliness with nothing but the hollow stench of death awaiting him whenever he opened his eyes.

"A child," you had whispered and brought his hand towards your stomach. In there pulsated life. A Future.

The battle of Coruscant had been won, but the battle of Anakin's heart, his loyalty, had been lost. Because he'd choose you over everyone. Over everything.

He'd muffled his cries into your chest.

"We are going to have a family."

And you had smiled, unknowing of the doom awaiting you. You had been happy that day.

**____**

You sat down next to Anakin on his bed. It was the first time in months that either of you were in his room ever since he'd been sent on the Outer Rim sieges. The night was quiet and if you weren't there, forced into a destiny you'd never wanted, you could have been dreaming. Dreaming of a world to be free and happy in. But you weren't and so you did not dream and you did not get to stop the future in motion.

"I'll have to leave the Order," you whispered. This was your reality. You could not avoid it further, could not pretend it not to be happening any longer now that Anakin was aware of the life growing inside you.

Anakin was silent, watching you as you were watching him. He'd changed so much in so little time, you noticed. Was he thinking the same of you?

"For now I can hide my growing stomach underneath my robes and I can find reason's to stay inside these temple walls while the war rages on outside of Coruscant, but that won't last. As more Jedi die more will be needed on our cruisers, even us Healers. And I cannot- I cannot do my duty like this. I'd die and this child, it would die with me."

Your gaze found Anakin's.

"So before that day comes I'll leave. Because I," you sighed. "I'd rather have them think me a weakhearted coward than have them realize I broke the vow of celibacy. Just imagine- just imagine the shame. The shame I'd cause to..." your voice broke.

"So I'd rather go in shame and misery than to be considered lost. I'll leave so that I don't put our child in danger when we'll be send down to the battlefield again. Even if I truly don't," you paused. "don't want to leave. Even if I want to be selfish and stay. It's the only place I've ever called my home. There is no other way, every path end with me leaving this world, the Order behind. Who will I be without these heavy robes weighting me down?"

"You'll be a person," Anakin answered as he intertwined his hand with yours. "You'll be a mother to our child. But for now you will be here by my side a Jedi Knight just a I am."

 **He didn't mention his dreams to you.**  
And within days there would be no more Jedi.

**____**

Pain, agony, suffering.

You weren't there when it happened. But you should have been. You'd left your brothers and sisters to die. You'd left the order. You abandoned them. Now the Force was punishing you, echoing their screams in your mind as if to tell you ' _You should have died too._ '

Suddenly the apartment you'd bought didn't feel like home anymore.

But when Anakin's eyes met your own you didn't shy away in fear, for you had fear hidden inside of you so deep he wouldn't see. You could not let him, for the baby. In this moment had not realized yet the gravity of what he had done. Weakness had always meant death. The Empire would net let your family live if you were weak, so you would have to be strong. You and Anakin and your child. Because there were no more Jedi and you were all that's left.

His voice was soft and gentle as he cradled you in his arms, wiping away your tears as he'd done so often. "You've forsaken the Order and so have I. We can't be seen as them anymore or else they will kill us as well, call us traitors. We have to survive, my love. For the baby."

Vader lied to your face and preyed on your weakness because he knew that there was no other way. You were a Jedi once too. He had to save you and he'd do everything. Lie, slaughter and enslave - if only it meant you would live to see another day. He'd be Anakin for you if only in name because just like the Jedi Anakin was gone. Yet he loved you.

"I understand. It's for the baby... It's for-"

The true meaning of his words would come to you when you were faced with the corpses of Younglings you'd seen grow in the creche and with the dead Padawans lying mutilated in their rooms. With every Jedi you had betrayed by loving Anakin Skywalker.

The Jedi were gone and it was your fault.  
By the time you realized that, Vader was already on Mustafar.  
And Anakin, he was long gone.

So were you by the time Obi-Wan had stepped into your apartment to bring the tales of Vader's crimes.

There was no coming back.  
**_____**

Anakin's arms were holding on to you softly, full of deep loving warm.  
You truly loved Anakin.

The man in front of you had to die or the galaxy would be lost forever.

"I love you," he said. The Force screamed: **I love you and you belong to me and everything you loved and believed in and would have died for is gone. We are all that is left. We are all that will be left behind of this world. This is love.**

Vader's embrace was harsh, possessive, robbing you of agency.  
Only the light presence inside your stomach gave you warmth. Gave you hope.

_"I love you," Anakin had whispered the first time so many years ago while you'd applied the last bit of bacta solution to his neck. He'd been in another fight but you hadn't cared, had not chided him for once. You had smiled and told him that you loved him too. You always had._

You were making the right choice, you were sure.  
You shifted into him, allowing the arms to wrap even closer around you.

All the Jedi were gone.

You bit back your tears and steadied yourself for what was to come.  
If only they, everyone, could forgive you.

_"You must learn be patient, young Padawan."_

_"Yes, Master, I know." You blinked away unshed tears. "But it's hard..."_

_"I know it's hard and I know it must seem unmanageable to you but you will pull through. It's been hard for all of us and it will be for you. Often. But you will advance and you will prevail. And one day you will have learned to be patient as well," your Master smiled and placed a kind hand on your shoulder. "Come on now don't cry, we'll make a Jedi out of you yet. Breathe in-"_

He'd never checked your sleeve.

All the Jedi were gone.  
Even if you did not want to die, even if you wanted to live a full life, you had to. It was your duty.

_You breathed out at your Master's sign._

Your hand tightened around the smooth metal in your hand. If only your child could forgive you for the world you'd brought it into existence to.

_"Breathe in."_

Your lightsaber ignited - impaling yourself and Anakin on the blade.  
You staggered, both still locking each other in that tight embrace, neither letting go.

"Wh- why?" he croaked out.

"You would have done such terrible things. I-"  
He sunk his nails into you, cutting off your words and drawing blood. Causing you to cry out in pain, the metallic smell of blood filling every cell of you. "I had no other choice."

"This isn't what was supposed to happen."  
His voice broke with a wretched wail as his arms wrapped even tighter around you.  
You deactivated the saber and let it fall out of your grasp. It did not matter what would happen to it. It did not matter what happened to you. There was no need for either in this world anymore.

You struggled and pushed until your body finally left Vader's weakening hold. Your back painfully collided with the platform and you were lost, truly and completely lost in the pain cursing through you as death came closer.

You could see him as he crawled towards you and yet you did not move away. What would it do? You and him, you were going to die anyway.

When Vader finally reached you, he used the last of his strength to take you into his arms. He wanted to say many things, wanted to cry and scream, but no sound left him. So instead he only pulled you closer. And you let him, only letting your head nestle into his shoulder as you cried. Who were these tears for? He didn't know.

Slowly his breathing turned haggard and his thoughts started slipping from his mind, leaving behind an avalanche of emotions.

"I will never forgive myself. Never. I pushed you towrds this monster," you said, your voice barely audible. "He defiled you, turning you into someone I cannot recognize. And yet..." You coughed up blood. "After everything you have done there was one second where I almost I wanted to hesitate and run away to forget about all of this. For a moment there was that thought that I could save you. A small part of me thought it did not matter what you did because I still loved you." And you still did in some way.

You loved Anakin Skywalker but you could never love the monster he had become.  
"But that moment wasn't for you but for the man you'd once been."

Your vision clouded with blood but you could feel- you could feel his pained smile.  
You made decided.You wouldn't leave him. You couldn't leave what was left of Anakin Skywalker behind. Even it was just a man wearing his face.

"I love y-"  
You cut him off with your lips.

His mouth tasted of blood and ash. You didn't want to hear it, didn't want to acknowledge those cursed words. You felt it deep within your heart, the love that had doomed them all. And you'd never had a choice at all. The love which now only gave strenght to the hatred growing in your mind. The love that couldn't soothe the anguish as you felt the light within your stomach flicker away.

You rose your head and looked at Anakin, just looked at what he had become. And then, with all of your might, you closed your fist around itself, cutting off his air supply. He didn't have a chance against you, his presence had almost fully died out while yours still held on to life.

Vader's eyes met yours.

Anakin Skywalker had died by this monster and you would avenge him, take his murderer down with you and release him to the endlessness of the Force.  
This was kindness.

"I love you."

How could his words sound as truthful as they had all those times past? How could he consider that love? You stayed silent and did not halt. Vader's eyes fell shut. He was ready to face his destiny.

The taste of death lingered on your tongue long after his body stilled.

He had loved you. In the end even the monster did not give up on the broken wish the man once dreamed of. Now the man and the monster had both left you behind. You were alone.

And then you sobbed. The loss of everything finally escaping you, the grief, the anger at what he had done and at what you'd done, your inability to save him - to stop him. Your ideals had died long before you committed such a horrible deed but now there was no coming back. You were dying.

You shifted closer into the corpse's embrace, your arms not leaving him, and rested your head on his still chest. What use was there in hating a corpse?

There was a light closing in, whispering softly to you like a lover would. No voices, no pain, no guilt. Just the Force. You closed your heavy lids and then finally, all at once you let go.

**_____**

When Obi-Wan Kenobi arrived on Mustafar he was greeted by a horrible sight.  
Anakin and you lied lifeless on the end of Mustafar's landing platform, your bodies intertwined in one another. He stepped towards them, cautious as if they'd wake any moment. But he knew they would never open their eyes again. There was no life here.

Obi-Wan closed his eyes in thought. They had died by a lightsaber wound. He could only find Anakin's, yours was nowhere to be found.

Had it been Anakin who took their lives? Was it an attempt to keep you chained to himself forever after he saw through your facade and robbed you of your saber? Or had it been you who could not take it anymore and snapped? The Force didn't answer. All Obi-Wan could do was stare helplessly at what lied before him.

Only when he was back in exile did he allow himself to let his tears roam free. It would be the last time he would allow himself to grieve like this, not with the Empire on it's rise, not when death hid behind every corner waiting to claim him too.

Obi-Wan had taken your body with him from Mustafar and given it a proper Jedi funeral, burned it until there was nothing left but ash.

He did not take Ana- Vader's body with him. Obi-Wan could not look at him without thinking of the young boy that corpse had been once. Without remembering the nights he read out bedtime stories when he was scared and could not sleep...

A part of Obi-Wan died with them that day, leaving behind a broken being. Neither Jedi nor man. Only broken.

But he had to stay strong.  
The fight was not over, even with Vader's death, not as long Palpatine lived.

So, the Jedi wiped away Obi-Wan's tears - Jedi didn't cry, they never did.

All the Jedi were gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Murder-Suicide, death of a pregnant woman, mentions of child murder, very unhealthy relationships, suicidal behavior, homicidal behavior
> 
> ___________  
> I’m tired but I’m so happy I finished this. This is honestly my favorite thing to have written so far (besides Kuebiko and Judas)
> 
> Let me know what you think if you want to :)  
> Was this too dark?


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